i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
