i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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