my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
