No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
