Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
