sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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