is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
