i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
