I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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