It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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