i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
