i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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