The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
