Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
