Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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