I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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