I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
there is glitter all over my balls
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize