I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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