You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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