This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
