I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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