Can i not drive my cunt home
i already hear my dad disowning me
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
