so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
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he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
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I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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