sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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