wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
