I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
