I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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