I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
