Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
