Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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