oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I don't deserve a penis
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
