she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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