I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
