Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
