It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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