Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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