I'm so fucking centered right now
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
