Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
