I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
