I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
it hurts more in the daytime
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
do herpes really smell.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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