gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
