I accidentally burped into my bong.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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