he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
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Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
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Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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