we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
