fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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