I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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