I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
