we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I did not marry a roomba.
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