You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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