I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
