I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
