Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
