If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My vagina just recognized that song.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
